


Never Felt So Helpless

by Bara_no_Uta



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Based on a Tumblr Post, Established Relationship, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:03:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8593687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: Alex is hurt on the job again. It may be par for the course to her, but it isn't for Maggie. Worse than that is her growing awareness of the way Alex unhesitatingly throws her life down for others. Maggie needs Alex to understand how important she is to her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is actually pretty old -- older than all but one, I think, of the Supergirl fics I've posted so far. I've been sitting on it because I'm not entirely certain of my characterization in some parts, but I like the premise too much to just let it collect dust in my fics folder. By the way, Maggie knows that Kara is Supergirl here. Because we all know it's just a matter of time before she figures it out.
> 
> The post which inspired this is here:  
> http://fucking--gorgeous.tumblr.com/post/152888674001/

            When there was a knock at the door, Alex really wished that she had Kara’s x-ray vision. Fortunately, she didn’t have to wonder who it was for long.

            “Alex?” She easily recognized the sound of Maggie’s voice. “I know you’re in there. Kara told me so.”

            Great. Then Kara had also probably told her what happened. Supergirl was needed at the DEO, but Alex was specifically told she was in no condition to come along and should stay home. Apparently Kara hadn’t wanted to leave her by herself… though Alex would have preferred it. “I’m coming, I’m coming.” With a suppressed grunt of pain, she pushed herself off the couch and limped to the door.

            As soon as the door was open and she could see Alex, Maggie looked her up and down. Standing like this, it was hard to tell that anything had happened. Alex had already changed out of her bloodied clothes, which had a hole where she had been stabbed, and into a sweater and slacks.

            “So, I’m guessing Kara told you what happened,” Alex said as she closed the door. It was obvious she wished Kara hadn’t.

            Maggie had been on her way to the couch, but she stopped, spinning on her heel, fear making her react to that more strongly than was probably strictly necessary. “Were you not gonna tell me?!”

            “What was there to tell you?” she asked, not faltering in the slightest. “‘Hi Maggie, I survived another day at work. Exciting, right?’”

            She looked at her in disbelief. “No! How about, ‘Hi Maggie, I was kidnapped and tortured because for some goddamn reason I wouldn’t tell the others where I was! And by the way, I could have **died** if they hadn’t found me!’” She was nearly yelling now, and a part of her knew that that really wasn’t the way to express her immense relief that Alex was okay. It was just hard to let the logical part of her win over the deep fear that she could have lost her, that situations like this could come up again and again, and that made her feel livid – mostly at her own helplessness to protect Alex.

            “They were _trying_ to make me beg to the DEO for my life! Of course I didn’t want to let them use me as bait! What’s more important, my life or Kara’s, Hank’s, and possibly who knows how many DEO agents who could’ve come?!” Her voice was rising as she spoke, Maggie’s upset starting to rub off on her, but she took a breath and quieted. When she spoke again, her voice was low, but still completely certain. “I know Kara likes to believe that everything will always work out, but this is real life. People die. Even if it’s my life, my job as a DEO agent is to minimize casualties.”

            “So, what? You’re prepared to just throw your life away for them?!” She knew that Alex had a point, but she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t look at this right now as 1 vs. 10 – just as that she could have lost Alex.

            “Of course I am!” she replied, no hesitation whatsoever. Of course, she had already proven that, time and time again.

            Maggie went to the couch and flopped down, knowing that she needed to cool it so she could be rational again.

            Alex took a minute as well, knowing that they were both getting worked up, before moving to sit next to her. (Maggie tried very hard not to notice the fact that she was limping. It didn’t work.) After a while of sitting in silence, she spoke up, voice soft. “You were scared.” It seemed obvious, but it was only after they calmed down that she had the chance to recognize it.

            “Not ‘was.’” It was hard for her to admit to it – to being scared. It wasn’t really her style. But it was the truth, and it needed to be said.

            “Oh.”

            She looked at her, puzzled. ‘Oh’? That was all Alex had to say about it? She waited to see if there was more following.

            She ran her tongue over her lips briefly, waiting in the silence. She could tell from the way Maggie was looking at her that Maggie wanted her to say something else, but she really had nothing else to say. All she could come up with was, “I’m sorry, Maggie. These risks just come with the job. I can’t tell you it won’t happen again. And I definitely can’t tell you I’m going to prioritize my own life over others’.”

            Maggie sighed. “I know. But why didn’t you even tell me?”

            She tried to come up with an answer. Honestly, it just hadn’t even crossed her mind. It had been admittedly more than she was used to, but she’d been through enough that it was pretty much just par for the course. “I didn’t think it was that important.” A pause, but it was almost immediately followed with, “Don’t look at me like that; I’m not saying… Listen, it’s not the first time I’ve been kidnapped. Or tortured. Or used as bait.”

            There was a whole lot to process here. First of all, thinking that it wasn’t the first time things like this had happened made Maggie want to be physically ill. She was still stuck on the first part, though. She put her hands firmly on Alex’s forearms (though quickly forcing herself to loosen her grip when she felt Alex wince), looking her seriously in the eye. “Tell me – _swear to me_ – but only if it’s the truth – that your life matters to you.”

            She put a hand over one of Maggie’s. “Of course it does. Working in the field, I probably wouldn’t even be here if it didn’t.”

            Which was exactly why that fear had chilled her to the bone. She exhaled a sigh of relief, because at least this was a stark reminder that things could be worse. With the hand that wasn’t covered, she rubbed Alex’s arm. “So why didn’t you think it was important?”

            Alex gave a small shrug. “Would you expect me to tell you every time I got hurt in the field? It’s just part of the job, and I’m used to putting it aside.”

            She lifted a hand to touch the slight scar she had noticed on Alex’s temple – unbeknownst to her, from another day in which she had been used as bait, and when she had actively asked J’onn _not_ to save her from the white Martian posing as Senator Crane – thinking about all the pain Alex must have experienced to be able to shrug off torture as all in a day’s work. It made her heart ache. Still, she couldn’t help but to think about times when Supergirl had been hurt on the job. “When Supergirl is hurt, you don’t just brush that aside as part of the job.”

            “That’s different.”

            Maggie pulled away to cross her arms. “Oh yeah? And how’s that?”

            She faltered, well aware her argument was probably weak to anyone who wasn’t herself. “Because she’s my sister.”

            “And you’re her sister. And my—You’re important to a lot of people.” Her what, exactly, she didn’t know. They were currently somewhere around that line between dating and officially girlfriends, and now was not the time to ask about making it official.

            “Everybody is important to a lot of people.”

            Maggie sighed, seeing that this was going nowhere. She needed to rethink her approach, but first of all, she needed to figure out what exactly she was aiming for. For Alex to call her if she got hurt in the field? No, something more than that. For Alex to somehow be able to magically guarantee her own safety? Well, in an ideal world that would be possible, but she knew Alex was right that risk was a part of her job. Finally, she decided to move on for now and hope it’d come to her later. “So… does this kind of thing happen a lot? You being kidnapped.”

            Alex shrugged. “More than if I were working in a normal lab,” she said, trying to play it off so as to ease some of Maggie’s worries.

            “Right.” She ran a hand through her hair as a silence dragged on, wishing she could place what was bothering her. “I’m sorry. It’s just- usually, I’m the one with the dangerous job and the ‘don’t worry babe I’ll be careful.’ I guess this is new territory for me.”

            She smiled, leaning her head back against the couch. She understood that feeling well. “I remember when Kara first came out as Supergirl,” she began. Unnecessarily opening up to someone other than Kara was highly unusual for her, but with Maggie, it somehow felt… right. She kept her gaze up, on the ceiling, but in her peripheral vision she could see Maggie looking at her intently, the way she always seemed to. As though she understood the magnitude of being opened up to by her and wanted to make sure she absorbed every word, spoken and not. “Do you remember it? How a ‘mysterious female figure’ saved an airplane that was going to crash?”

            She nodded. It had been major news, so it was rather hard to forget, after all.

            “The reason she exposed herself, risked her life to save the plane… It’s because it wasn’t just any plane. I was on that flight.” She felt the sting of tears that wanted to form, but she refused to let them. “After I was off the plane and whatnot, I went to her apartment. And do you want to know what I said to her?”

            When Alex paused long enough that Maggie realized she was honestly looking for input, Maggie reached out to hold her hand. “What?”

            She turned so that she was facing Maggie again. “Of course, the first thing I asked her was if she was okay, but then I asked her… ‘What were you thinking?’” Her hand tightened just a little around Maggie’s, and she felt a reassuring squeeze in response. “I got mad at her. Because she put herself in danger.”

            _Even though it was to save your life._ The words were there, unspoken but felt between them. For now, she just let them hang there. After a while of wondering whether she should say anything about it, then deciding Alex had told her for a reason and she should, and finally trying to decide what to say, she spoke again. “So what I’m hearing is, you would’ve died if she hadn’t, but you were still more concerned about the potential danger she could have put herself in by rescuing you.” The words were stated gently, but still blunt. Maybe they did need to be out in the open, she thought, so that they could talk about this.

            “…Yes.”

            She wondered if Alex, not knowing at the time that Supergirl would end up being a good thing for Kara, would have preferred Kara not save her. She didn’t dare ask, because she was afraid what the answer might be. Anyway, that had been a while back now, so she would rather focus on the present. “You seem quick to sacrifice yourself,” she commented instead. It was a distressing thought, but perhaps part of what was bothering her so much earlier.

            Alex shifted, visibly uncomfortable. “I’m a DEO agent. And more importantly, I’m her big sister.”

            “Yeah, but you’re the human, remember?” she prompted gently.

            “Being Kryptonian doesn’t make her indestructible. And I… Anyway, especially now as Supergirl, the world needs her.” Her gaze dropped, though she had yet to even realize her own unspoken words. Maggie had, though.

            “Hey. _Alex_.” Alex looked back up at her, and Maggie could see her fighting tears. She placed a hand on Alex’s cheek. “The world needs you, too.”

            Alex felt her eyelashes come away wet when she blinked. She wasn’t blind to the good she herself did, and she knew that was meaningful. It wasn’t that she thought she didn’t make any important impact at all; she knew otherwise. It was just… not as much as the world needed Kara. How could she possibly compare to Supergirl? And oh, boy, that was a can of worms she really hadn’t meant to open up tonight. She probably should’ve known it when she brought up that story. “My work is important. I know that.”

            Maggie wasn’t sure which was worse: the obvious ‘but’ at the end of her words, or the fact that she apparently took ‘the world needs you’ to mean ‘the world needs your work at the DEO.’ Not knowing how to address either, afraid to push too much when Alex was more vulnerable than she had ever seen her, she instead said, “ _You’re_ important, too.”

            She pulled her face away from Maggie’s hand and took in quick breaths. It was probably pointless to even bother holding back her tears when they were surely more than evident anyway, but this was… Well, it was the first time either of them had cried in front of the other, and the only two people she was used to being okay with crying in front of were Kara and her own mom.

            Just the fact that Alex had yet to respond, that she was trying so hard not to cry at those words, told her that they hadn’t been communicated to her enough times in her life. How many times she had been made to feel like she wasn’t important, maybe even.

            “I know,” she managed, when she felt like she could get words out without crying.

            “And there’s that ‘but’ again,” she said softly, ducking her head to try to make eye contact. To try to tell her, _It’s okay. You can tell me_.

            The emotion in Maggie’s eyes was somehow overwhelming, and she wrapped her arms loosely around herself as the first tear started to fall. “I know the world needs me,” she said, her voice was surprisingly steady. “But of course Supergirl is going to be more important.”

            She didn’t need her detective skills to tell her that this ran a whole lot deeper than ‘she can blow out an enormous fire in one breath and I can’t.’ She reached out slowly, not completely sure how Alex would respond, to pull her into a hug. When Alex allowed it, she held her as tightly as she dared without knowing where her injuries were.

            How had they gotten to this point already? Talking about _this_? Part of Alex felt scared – of what, she didn’t know – by the realization of how quickly things had moved between them. She tried to quell the feeling for now, instead focusing on the safety she felt in Maggie’s arms.

            “ _You’re_ more important to me,” she said, trying to make her voice gentle and firm at the same time, trying to offer Alex what she needed, despite being well aware that feelings like those took a lot more than one night to change.

            She wasn’t sure those were words she wanted. To be more important to someone than the person she put above anyone else. Maybe she was scared to believe it could be true, that it could _stay_ true.

            Maggie had hoped Alex would say something, but she wondered if she had chosen the wrong words, because now Alex was even more tense. They were something she felt Alex needed to hear, but she wondered if it was too soon. …Alex, who could take criticism and yelling without faltering, was overwhelmed by being told she was most important to somebody. Hell… she’d been almost crying just being told she was important at all. Maggie’s protective streak bloomed, and there was a part of her that pretty much wanted to punch anyone who had ever hurt Alex. She wondered what she could say that wouldn’t risk upsetting her further. “It’s okay,” she finally settled on, one hand rubbing her back.

            She consciously relaxed her body, hoping it would make her feel more relaxed, too.  As her guard lowered again, a few more tears fell, and she sniffled quietly. “Thank you,” she finally said, once she felt like her emotions were back under her control. She pulled away to offer a hesitant smile.

            “Anytime.” The word was casual, but the way she looked at Alex revealed how much she meant it.

            She looked down. “Um- just so you know… I’ve been working on that. At least, trying to. The… things about Kara.”

            “Good.” She struggled against the desire to remind her how important she was, to tell her that she deserved to feel good about herself, and to reiterate how much her safety meant to Maggie, but she held back, afraid it would overwhelm her.

            Finally, Alex felt it was time she could change the subject. “So, I don’t know about you, but I could go for some drinks and movies. You in? –I’m not on painkillers, don’t worry. Just had local anesthetic for the stitches.”

            _You got tortured and you’re not even on painkillers?_ Maggie really wondered now how many times Alex had been severely hurt on the field, but now wasn’t the time to ask. “Of course I’m in.” She smiled, then got Alex’s remote from the table and handed it to her. “But _you_ stay here, and _I_ will get the drinks. Don’t think I didn’t catch you limping earlier.”

            “Fine.” She told Maggie the locations of various things in the kitchen. “Feel free to grab some food, too.”

            “You want some?”

            Alex shrugged. “Up to you. There’s stuff—well, wherever. Feel free to look around. Just don’t laugh at my lack of cooking skills.”

            Maggie laughed. “You’re in good company there, Danvers.” She poked around the cabinets, curious what options Alex had. Indeed, there was nothing evidencing cooking skills that went beyond spaghetti, and she smiled to herself, her own kitchen the same way. When she made her way to the freezer, she raised her eyebrows, amused. “Think you have enough ice cream?”

            “No such thing,” she said, amusement sparkling in her eyes and voice. “You should see Kara’s freezer.”

            “Oh, boy. Am I gonna develop an addiction to ice cream getting to know you two?”

            “Yes. Join the dark side. We have ice cream.”

            “Did you seriously just—? You are such a nerd.” Her smile widened into a grin; she found that adorable about her.

            “And you lo—” Alex stopped abruptly, clearing her throat. She could say things like that in her banter with Kara, but it was probably way too soon to say that with Maggie. “—like it.”

            She stopped rummaging around Alex’s kitchen long enough to meet her gaze. “Yeah. I do.” Which word she was replying to? Too soon to untangle that one.

            Instead, they just smiled at each other.


End file.
